starsignited | Drabble

Sometimes I wonder ...

I don't even know what I am doing anymore. I'm a Jedi pure and simple -- at least that is what I keep telling myself. But deep down I feel like I'm something else. I'm not how I should be.

Obi-Wan is a real Jedi, though I may never tell him that. I know I should strive to be more like him. Upholding the Jedi ways, the Order, everything.

But sometimes I don't want to.

I want to break away, to stop holding onto the light. But I fear if I do, I will lose myself all together.

In the back of my mind I feel a darkness -- a darkness that wishes to devour me. It feeds off my anger and even my over all emotions. I hold it at bay, but with each passing moment it seems to grow stronger. And there are times when I wish I could just let go.

There is one thing in this entire universe that holds me back from doing so. A light within the ever growing dark. And it is something I am forced to hide.

But why should I? Why do the Jedi have to shun love the way they do? Why can't we rejoice in what it brings? It makes me happy, but I don't think the Jedi order cares about my happiness.

It's a selfish thought and I know Obi-Wan would scold me without even bothering to first listen. He never does. He would never even understand what I'm going though.

There have been times when I wish I could tell him everything. Just let it all out. But I know what would happen, he'd turn me into the Council and it would all be over. But then I wonder if that would even matter? It is not like they even have the power to stop me.

I could take Padme and run away. Run from it all, but I could not do that to her. Rip her straight out of her life -- even with me, I could not just walk away. I want to, but I can't.

So I continue the lies, the deceit the hiding of the very thing that is most important to me.

But --

As long as she is there --

I need nothing else.

Hero With No Fear

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